I have a friend, OK she's really just an acquaintance. We went to high school together and were in Concert Choir together which is a pretty big deal for anyone that sings at Lancaster High School (my lovely Alma mater). Out of the 1,000 or so students, Concert Choir has only 75. You have to audition in a quartet, it's very nerve wracking. I can remember jumping up and down hugging my friend Trish, when I found out that I had made it in. It's a pretty big deal. But anyways, Nicole and I were in choir together and it gives you a bit of a bond but we really are only barely knowledgeable of each other. We are FB friends and we go to the same church. We head nod at each other when we would see each other out and maybe like a status here or there but that's about all.

But then about a month ago, her status on FB was devastating. Her 11 month old little girl was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Highly aggressive and to be honest, it's killing her. The cancer is rare, the treatments are rough. Little Anna had to celebrate her first birthday in the hospital and the daily updates on their blog are bleak.

So why am I writing about this? About a baby I've never met and probably wouldn't no matter what. I'm writing because my heart hurts for this family. They are staying so brave and strong, asking for prayers and getting them. I see daily messages on the blog and on FB from old high school friends, lending their support. But it makes me so sad that they will more than likely not ever know the joy of their daughter being 2 years old. She can't walk, is going both deaf and blind from the tumor, has hydrocephalus and seizures. I hope that they don't give up. Not on Anna but on believing that maybe a miracle will happen for them.

I look at my beautiful girl and am extremely humbled to know that she is healthy and happy. That she has been hurt, once very badly, but not enough to ever make me worry for her very life. I pray daily for little Anna Rose when I also thank God for Annabelle. I hope and wish and pray for some good news for them. I hope it comes soon.

An Oreo Kind of Night

We had finished dinner last night and Annabelle was still hungry. She grabbed the cookies out of the pantry asked for some milk and went to town. She usually does this with Daddy but she enjoyed it just as much on her own. The first dunk.
Now she knows I have the camera out and she's making the most out of her time in the spotlight.

Oooo, it's so good.

Mom take my picture!

After two cookies she was satisfied and then drank her milk and put her cup away in the sink. Such a good little girl!

Yeah, Yeah

It's been awhile, but really who wants to listen to me complain. I don't even want to listen to me right now. I'm feeling a disconnect, with pretty much everything. This happens to me on a regular basis, where I feel like I've been set adrift in a giant ocean. Nothing can be seen in any direction. No life boats or rocks or helicopters hovering. No one and nothing trying to help or find me. I just have to swim, but I'm tired and going under. Do other people feel this? I've never told anyone any of this stuff. I know there are times that I have hinted to Mark or my sister, maybe a friend but I never say the words, I'm depressed. I can always pull myself out of the deep end and smile again. I know I'll get there but God my arms are tired of treading water. The weight I feel on me pulls me under and I just need one little beacon of light to strive towards. But all I feel is condescension and disdain, especially from my friends right now. On the outside looking in. Being judged for ideas and decisions I make. Being doubted. I will stop my ramble now because I know that I will look back at this down the road and think that I'm an idiot. I just know that I feel better putting it out there for myself.

Blech!

I went to the dentist today and I have a cavity! I haven't had a cavity since I was 10 years old people. So I went out and bought myself the cutest pair of sandals to make myself feel better.

Also Mark told me I have the prettiest eyelashes this morning which makes me smile. So two good things make the one bad thing better right?

Us

I know it's mushy but because it's Valentine's Day but I'm doing it anyway!

I Love You Mark, forever and ever!Our wedding day. It was the best day. It was chilly (we were married in October and it's Buffalo) but I still cry when I think about how happy we were. I love that I'm practically climbing inside his jacket with him to keep warm.

Our most recent trip to Disney World. We got a quick picture without Annabelle which was rare.Boston, 2009 ( I just love Annabelle's little Pull-ups peeking out:))

His first day as Daddy. That is the reason I love him, because he loves his little girl so much.

We went to Los Cabos while I was 7 months pregnant! If the trip hadn't been free, we would have never been there. We were on a boat/dinner cruise and participated in a dance contest. We are so happy and having such a good time. I love it! I woman on the trip with us took this picture. When we saw it she told us to remember this time and when we are mad at each other to take a look at our faces in this picture. Happiness, love and fun.

This was our first Halloween together, 1995. We didn't know what was going to happen down the road. We had only been dating for a few months but the pumpkin says it all. We have been loving each other for almost 16 years now. It's a good thing.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cursing

I did not come from a family that swears a lot. As a matter of fact, I was forbidden to swear until I had a good reason to. I mean I got "the look" from my mom if I said something sucked. I said dang it like it was the foulest thing that was ever uttered, though not in ear shot of my mom. My mother said that the only time would be when I was married with children. So technically I wasn't allowed to swear until I was 28 years old.

I can remember the first time my mother heard me swear. I was maybe 8 years old, hanging out in the front yard with the neighborhood kids. We were holding some toads that we had found in the garden and one of them peed on my hand. Remember in A Christmas Story when Ralphie says, "FUUUUUUDGE" in slow motion? That was me, except I said shit. Unfortunately, the kitchen window was open and mom heard me. I heard, "JAIME RAE GET IN THIS HOUSE!" All in caps and my friends scattered, they knew I was done playing for the day. I don't actually think I got punished much. Just embarrassed at being yelled at in front of my friends, but I pretty much stopped swearing.

So here I am at the ripe old age of 33, and I still rarely swear. Sometimes for emphasis if I'm really angry or trying to make a point or if I've had a bit to drink. Well and in the car, the f-word slips out once in awhile. But I still don't swear in front of my mom. Mark will curse in front of his parents and they never give him a look. It always made me cringe, especially when we were first dating. I kept waiting for the iron fist to come down on him, but it never did.

I read other people's blogs and they swear all over the place. It doesn't bother me but I also know that I can't do it. In fact I'm thinking if I should maybe not say S-H-!-T. So am I being a prude here or what?

I Had Forgotten...

but know I remember. I love my husband. I know this sounds strange but hear me out. Mark and I have been together for almost 16 years, almost half of my life. He was my first real, serious boyfriend and my first and only for many things. After all this time together, I started to take him for granted. I mean, he's no angel. We have our disagreements, though we rarely actually fight anymore. But living with someone 24 hours a day for almost 9 years and spending as much time with each other as we could before that, is a lot of time. There are things about him that drive me nuts. He's too much of a perfectionist. He complains if I don't throw something out right away but will leave the box of cereal out unopened all day long. He snores, loudly and if he falls asleep before me, I will get no sleep. There are times when he is too honest or hyper-critical.

But today I was looking through pictures on Picasa. In case you don't know, it's a program that does facial recognition to group photos. So if I'm looking for a picture of a person, I just need to click on their folder. It's very neat. So anyway, I was making sure that the new pictures that were uploaded were put in the right folders and I was in the Mark folder. I was just quickly scrolling through the 300 or so new pics, and I feel in love my husband a little bit more.

I think I forgot how handsome he is. I see him everyday, but I wasn't really SEEING him the way I used to when we were first dating. I started getting that little thrill like I used to, when I couldn't wait to see him again. I was just soaking him in, his great smile and gorgeous eyes, even his nose which most people including himself thinks is rather big, but I think it's perfect. I wouldn't change it at all.

So even with all the "annoyances" that I've learned to live with, I know that he is one of the major keys to my happiness. I'm glad I had the chance to realize that again. I am a lucky, lucky girl to have him:)

A Plan

I am making a plan for myself. A plan to get myself to be a better me but I think it is going to suck. The first thing on my agenda is losing this last 16 pounds. I've been holding on to it for more than a year now and I'm sick of it. My goal is to lose that weight by the time we leave for our trip to New Orleans. That is in 13 weeks, which means I only need to lose a little over a pound a week. That is doable and the healthy way to do it.

I lost 14 pounds last year and then stalled out. I don't know if I get complacent or discouraged but I seem to lose track of my weight loss when I hit right around where I am right now, in the 145 range. My body just sits here even though I'm exercising and eating relatively well. I'm not perfect, if someone offers me a treat, I'll rarely pass it up but I don't get those treats that often. We've slowed down dramatically on going out to eat. We were going out 3-4 times a week at the end of last year out of sheer laziness.

So I found this website with work out routines when I was hunting around google. I want to try one of the routines even though it looks like it may kill me. It's only 2 days of weight training but it's seriously hard core. It claims if I do it I will see a major difference in two weeks. Now I won't be that optimistic but if I could see some progress in about a month, I think I could be happy with that.

So that is my step one. I have ideas for step 2 and on down the line but I need to concentrate on this one first. And I may not need some of what I'm thinking about if I do good here. Wish me luck!

All Alone

Or at least that's what I feel like. I'm having a boo-hoo, woe is me kind of week. I have no drive and I'm getting sorta down on myself. Maybe it's because my birthday was last week, but I don't think that's what it is. Age doesn't get to me, not really. I've just been very hard on myself for just about everything and I'm getting kind of sick of it. My house is a mess, I can't seem to get motivated to lose all this extra weight I carry along with me, I have so much it work on to get Annabelle up to speed for Kindergarten, still sorta fighting with my sister. Just pile it on top and I feel overwhelmed. Suffocating with all the stuff that I should and could and must do and no one to help me out. My corner is empty right now and I'm feeling worthless and stupid. I'm plannig on kicking my ass this week though and getting myself over myself. Hopefully I'll get back to a more hopeful me soon. Hopefully.

Snow Day?

Well let's just say that the city of Buffalo and it's surrounding areas really overreacted. For the past week, it's been all the apocalypse is coming, the world is about to end, the storm of the century, blah, blah, blah. Schools, businesses, whole towns closed down yesterday in preparation for the storm to hit.

We have about six inches, there was some freezing rain that I heard in the early morning hours on the skylight. There was no need to close anything though. I know that other parts of the country were hit and hit hard. But not the Blizzard Capital of the world Buffalo, NY. At least I didn't have to take Annabelle to school with her croupy cough. She sounds like a smoker and looks at us with sad little eyes after every coughing spell, which is about every 15 minutes or so.

And Punxsatawney Phil didn't see his shadow so spring's coming early right? Never mind that it was snowy and cloudy , hence the lack of the shadow but come on! Let's hope for some good news! I swear I have other stuff to write about about, we'll see:)