Bad Parents

My daughter is a very good girl. It is one thing that I have prided myself on. She will say please and thank you and excuse me most of the time without be prompted too. She is polite and thoughtful and we have strangers consistently tell us how good she is when we are out. That is not to say that I am perfect though. I am far from it. I have yelled, ignored, and on very few occasions spanked. I have lost my temper on so many occasions that I have lost count. But I always make sure to apologize and let her know that I am doing my best for her. That every mistake that I make, will make me a better person and mom.

But there are parents out there that should be ashamed of themselves. I try not to judge when I hear a child screaming uncontrollably when we're at the grocery store. Annabelle was the epidemy of the terrible two's, tantrums and screaming both at home and out in public. I learned how to walk out of a store or restaurant to let the other patrons relax and not have to watch her bang her head on the ground, repeatedly, hard. I also learned to throw her in to her crib and walk away until I was calm enough to deal with her.

Last week, I took Annabelle to the dentist. She hates the dentist. She's wary of men, even ones that she knows, the fluoride treatment makes her sick to her stomach plus she has her father's teeth and has already had a cavity filled. She simply knows the dentist as a nice guy but someone that hurts her or makes her uncomfortable.

So when we walked in and heard a child creaming like they were trying to pull out his fingernails, Annabelle started getting more upset. Now this boy looked to be about Annabelle's age. It also seemed to be his first visit because his mother was filling out all kinds of paper work, so I get it that he was scared. The mother finally settles him down in the video room and starts to give all the papers to the receptionist, when her son walks calmly over to a little girl who was playing on the floor and kicks her in the face!

This little girl was 11 months old (I found out after speaking to the girl's mother) was paying no attention to this boy. Obviously she started crying and the boy walked away like nothing happened. The boys mother looked over, saw what happened and continued to finish up with the paperwork. About 10 minutes later she came over asking if the little girl was ok (she was) and then said, "My son is a good boy. It's just that he was 12 weeks premature and even though he's super smart, he has problems with socialization."

Let that soak in. This mother, instead of disciplining her child, used an excuse to validate his behavior. A piss poor excuse at that. If Annabelle had EVER done something like that I would have yanked her away so hard. She would know without a doubt that she was in trouble. No counting, no time out, no warnings and definitely no excuses. But she knows better because I made sure that she always knows what I expect of her, always. From the little things like getting a candy bar if she's good at the grocery store to hitting to how to behave in a public place. Hell I'm the mom on the playground that is yelling at other people's children when they aren't behaving correctly.

I don't blame that child for his bad behavior. I blame his mother. It seems that she has let him do and act any way he feels like it, just because he was a preemie. Th excuses only go so far. When he's robbing banks will hat be her excuse for him. She needs to look in the mirror and face the hard fact that she is in the wrong. And then do something about it. It will be ten times harder to fix the problem now but it can be done. I hope that she learned her lesson while it was staring her right in the face but I don't think that she did.

Polygamy? Not For Me!

I don't particularly like to share. I know I have to all the time but it doesn't mean that I have to like it. Share my ice cream, uh no. Share the housework, sure! So because I dislike most forms of sharing, I know that I could never be a "sister wife". I don't want to share my husband with another woman, knowing full well that he will be having sex with this other girl. Not in one million freaking years people!

So I was thinking about this because I watched the show Sister Wives on TLC yesterday. I won't lie, I was curious about how that works. I don't know anyone with that belief system so it's not like I can ask my friend about her polygamous sex life. And while I know that it is part of a religious ideology, I think that it's weird. I am not trying to be close-minded or derogatory against it but I just don't understand. (And yes, I do realize stating that I'm not close-minded puts me firmly into that category.)

They had a rotating sleep schedule and individual date nights. There are 12 children between the 3 wives with one on the way. Plus the husband was courting another woman with 3 kids to bring into the fold. Just the logistics of running that household was way beyond me. There are days that i barely function with just 3 people in our house!There are days when no cleaning, laundry or cooking are accomplished because I'm tired or worn out or sick or just feeling plain lazy!

They talked about why they like the polygamous lifestyle. The security of having other "mothers" to help them with the parenting or God forbid one of them died. Their children would have a built in support system of half-siblings and motherly presences to help them. I get that. My biggest fear is dying and leaving Annabelle without a mother. But even though Mark doesn't have multiple wives on the back burner (that I know of anyways), I know that I have my sister and my group of friend's to help her when she gets her first period, buy a prom dress, learn how to properly apply make-up. All the things that I should be there for.

For me, it all falls back on the sharing of the husband. I like to sleep with my husband, in my bed. I'm am not a cuddler, don't touch me while I'm sleeping. It's too hot, too uncomfortable trying to mold myself to fit you better but there is a comfort in having him just an inch away from me if I want him. I've been sick for the last few days and Mark has been sleeping on the couch because he thinks I'll make him sick by sleeping next to each other. But I'm getting tired of that. The first night was great, lots of room, no snoring. I'm ready for him to come back though. And that would be my downfall in polygamy. I wouldn't want to sleep with my husband every 3-4 days and be alone all of the others. Plus, I'm a jealous bitch a lot of the time. I'd be constantly wondering if he was doing it with the other wife that night. Tiptoeing past the door, making myself feel bad if I heard anything.

So Polygamy is out for me unless I get all the good stuff. Date nights, sex, stimulating conversation. She can have the laundry and the cleaning and the grocery shopping. The tasks that I really dislike about being married. But I don't know any ladies out there that would be willing to follow my rules so I guess it will just be me and Mark by our lonesome.

My Feelings Are Hurt

I've been thinking about something for almost a week now. I wasn't sure how I felt. Like REALLY felt. I have a friend, Stephanie, who I would have considered my best friend. We had so much in common. We laugh at the same jokes, like the same music and clothes and have similar perspectives on parenting. Last year we did so much together. We went to 5, count them 5, New Kids on the Block concerts. Now I know I'm supposed to be embarrassed by that but I'm not. It was so much fun reliving my 12 year old fantasies as a woman in my 30's but it was even better because she was just as silly about it as I was. We went to see DWTS live twice, we went to LA when she won a radio contest, saw each other every week at dance class. We were together a lot.

This is the part that is a little bit weird for me but I'm going to put it out there anyways. Steph had a dream to become an author. She used to ask me for my opinion on her writing. I wouldn't get too much into it, just if I liked where she was going with it, if I saw anything major in terms of plot. It's not like I'm a professional editor or anything.

She worked on her craft and got better, joined a writer's group in the area and she didn't need me so much anymore. And while I was a bit bummed, I knew that her writer friend's had a better understanding of what she needed to do in order to complete her dream. And she did. She has published a chick lit novel. When she told me about the contract, I was so happy for her. She hoped for it be a big breakout hit and I did too. I plugged her on facebook, told people to be prepared for my wonderful friend's book- Coming Soon!

But then I started feeling like she was getting too pleased with herself. It was all she could talk about and I will admit that I felt that green-eyed monster sitting on my shoulder. She was making all of these plans for when she made it big. Got her first check, writer's conferences, etc. I felt like she wasn't being the Stephanie that I have known for the past 10 years. She had always been a little shy, always questioning if she was doing right, being good enough. I could totally understand that because I myself have always been the good girl. I started feeling mildly uncomfortable around her but I really thought it was the jealousy talking.

The last weekend, Mark and I had a wedding to go to. His cousin Kim was marrying a very nice man named Joe and i was looking forward to talking to some of Mark's cousins. We don't see them often but I always have the best conversations with them, especially Dawn. So there we are, talking away, all through dinner and drinks. About our kids things that we found funny reading on each others pages on FB. And then Dawn lowers the boom on me.

"You know your friend Steph? I feel like she's being pretty mean to you lately. She's not being very positive towards you and I feel like she's trying to one up you every time you post something. I've felt this for almost a year but I know she's your close friend and I didn't think it was any of my business to yell at someone that I don't even know on FB."

I wasn't sure what to think at first. I had felt that she wasn't being her usual positive self towards me but I thought it was the jealousy thing. Now someone else, virtual stranger to Steph, is feeling the same thing. I'm just so unsure of myself. I've been beating myself up for the past year or more, feeling like it was my fault we starting to grow apart. It wasn't progressing in leaps and bounds but I felt that separation. I feel like maybe I'm not so wrong as I did before.

So I've been sitting with these feelings for 6 whole days. I haven't talked to anyone about it. Not Dawn again, or Mark, or Stephanie and I don't know what to do or feel. I don't like confrontation but I don't want people to assume that they can be mean or negative or whatever and I'll just let them do it, just walk all over me. So I sit here with my feeling hurt and stew and complain here now. But it feels better to have it off of my chest.

What To Do

Annabelle got invited to her first birthday party from a boy in her pre-k class. He is Russian and doesn't speak English very well. I'm not even sure that Annabelle knows his name. I'm sure she would love to go, it's at Rollie Pollies but I'm really unsure about what to do. We do have plans for that same day already, just later on at night. Do I really want her to be running around wild at the party and then be too tired to enjoy her first Sabres game?

I don't know this kid. What does he like to do? How do I decide what to buy him? I'm not trying to be cheap but I don't want to be spending mucho buckerinos on something I;m not even sure he would want to play with. I didn't think that we would have this issue until next year. So I'm conflicted. I think I might try to see what the other parents are thinking of doing and then maybe talking to his mom for some ideas of what he likes.

(On a totally different note, I'm up to 1.5 miles running on the treadmill. Just under half way to that 5k)

I Know I've Said It Before...

but I love the Sabres and now I love them even more. Yesterday I did something that's pretty lame. I went and watched the team practice at our local ice rink that is near our house. We bought tickets to one of the pre-season games, including one for Annabelle. She has never been to a hockey game before and I thought she should go to one practice just to have an idea what it will be like. The noise, the cold, the crowd, though on a smaller scale, at least she wouldn't be too out of her element. We ended up having a fantastic time.

Firstly, Annabelle was being exceptionally cute, even for her. She was singing the song she had learned in pre-k to prepare for saying the Pledge and Supercalifrgilisticexpealidocious from Mary Poppins, loudly, while dancing. She was asking questions about what each player was doing, what was his name, then saying hello to each and every one of them as they filed past us off the ice between periods. Most of them ignored her at first, but a few waved to her, which only encouraged her:)

Then when they started straggling back onto the ice after the first intermission, Paul Gaustad (whom I have mentioned before) told Annabelle that he loved her Winnie the Pooh socks. He then hunkered all 6 feet 5 inches of himself down next to her and had a conversation with her. About their mutual love of Pooh and telling each other their names. Annabelle was so delighted to have someone give her that kind of attention that her face was all smiles.

After the next period she got more attention from other players, they all knew her name. Patrick Lalime, our back up goalie, gave her a puck. Thomas Vanek tapped her head with his glove and many others waved and said hello.

They didn't have to do any of it. They could have walked right on by and ignored her. It's happened before. She loves to wave and say hello to people where ever we go. I mean, they are at work, even if it's not a job that everyone else would consider serious or important. They are being paid to get on the ice and work their asses off to have the biggest hit, the best goal, the most amazing save. They aren't being paid to make a 4 year old girl smile and giggle for he rest of the day.

So the Sabres may not be the best team out there. They have never won a championship and sometimes it feels like they never will. I can scream and wail at the TV when I'm watching a game, telling the players what I think of them. That they stink. That we need better players,players with more talent and leadership. But in the end, I'll look back at yesterday with fond memories at my "boys". So when they go their separate ways, I will still always think of them as the best players out there because they went out of their way to be sweet and friendly. It makes me love this team even more than I already did.

My salute right back to you, boys.

I May Be Crazy

I've had an idea in my head for about two or three weeks and it won't go away. Maybe it's because I wasn't supposed to exercise per the chiro, but the idea has lodged in my brain. I want to run a 5k.

The idea is crazy to me. I remember in high school being told that we should be able to run a mile in under 13 minutes and I couldn't. Not even close. I failed phys. ed. that semester because of that. Not that I really cared. But if I couldn't run one mile at 17, how do I think I could run 3.11 miles as a 32 year old?

Except that I just decided to try. I got on that treadmill this morning and I ran one whole mile! The adrenaline that I felt at being able to do it... was amazing to me! I tend to tell myself that I can't do things. I'm too fat, too old, too short, out of shape, not smart enough, etc, etc, etc. I'm rarely ever very high on myself. But, I think I can do this.

After I finished that mile, I was out of breath but so happy. I ran upstairs and literally pounced on Mark, who was still in bed. I told him what I did and what I planned on doing. He sounded so proud of me. It reminded me of how excited I would get when I would tell him how I aced a test or got that amazing solo in Choir when I was a Senior in high school. That proud, happy smile he would give me because I was his girl.

So, I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it for Mark and Annabelle. So that they will see that I can finish something when I really put my mind to it. But really, I'm doing it for me

Who Do You Tell?

I've been doing this blog thing here for a few months. I started it mostly to put down ideas that may pop into my head. Random things that make no sense when you're hanging out with friends, but that I just wanted out there. I also thought I would use it as my place to gripe about things and people that are annoying me.

So because of this aspect, nobody knows that I'm out here. No friends, no family, not even my husband. I feel like if I told people about this, then they'd feel like they had to stop on over. And if I'm complaining about someone, I wouldn't want their feelings to be hurt. I'm a classic people pleaser, by the way.

So do I start telling people about this? It seems weird that I would start all of these months later. But sometimes I'll be talking about something and I'll stop myself from saying that I had blogged about it. I'm just confused about what to do.

Christmas

My daughter is obsessed with Christmas all of a sudden. It started about a month ago. We were in the car and she asked me if I knew who had a white beard. Now I was thinking a person that we actually knew, so I was stumped. My dad has some gray/white in his beard, but I wouldn't say it was white per se. But it was the only thing I could think of so that's what I said. Papa's beard's kinda white. Annabelle's response- Mom, Santa has a white beard! (All being said in a particularly whiny voice while rolling her eyes at me. You would think she was 14, not 4.)

So fast forward a few weeks and she decides she wants, no she NEEDS to watch Mickey's Twice Upon Christmas. After a small power struggle, I relented because really what's it hurting? But now she's been singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas constantly and last night she started making her list. Little post-it notes of scribbles scattered throughout the house, many of which she slept with last night.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas more than anything, but I love Halloween and pumpkins and cider (just bought some at Wegman's, yum). I can't wait to go to the Spirit store to look at costumes. Friends of ours have a big, adult only Halloween bash the first weekend of November each year. It's the one time of year that I can dress up slutty if I feel like it and be able to get away with it!

But Annabelle is ready for Christmas, running to her windows every morning hoping for snow. The more excited she gets, the more excited I feel. So I guess we'll be singing carols for months in advance and we'll know the words to every single Christmas movie out there by next month. It makes me wish I was a kid again without any of the worry that comes along with Christmas. But Annabelle brings all of that out of me, so I guess I get to relive it through her. :)

Do You Have a List?

I was talking to some of my girlfriends the other day and we were discussing our crushes, likes and dislikes of specific features on a man. The guys that make us swoon or watch a particular movie just because he happens to be in it. So then we started talking about our lists.

You know, your list. Of men that you're given a pass for by your husbands. Everyone out there has at least a handful of people that they would love to "be" with. I'm assuming, for most people, that this list is rather unattainable, so basically fantasy and safe. So I've been thinking about who my IT guys were and thought I would put it out here in cyber-space. Just in case one of them happened by and thought they would what to check me out, then they would know where to find me. :) In no particular order they are:

Johnny Depp

He's kinda weird and quirky but he just does it for me. Those black eyes and the cheek bones and just the whole package. I mean if you can look hot as a drunken pirate than you must look good all of the time:)

Mark Salling

He plays Puck in Glee and there is just something about this bad boy. When I'm watching the show, my eye is automatically drawn to him in every scene.

Ewan McGregor

Now he's not normally my type. I like really dark eyes and dark hair but I just can't help but love Ewan. He can sing and dance and has the cutest Scottish accent. I love his smile and just about everything about him.Zac Efron

He may be young but he's still legal:) I get a rush just looking at him. My friend and I made complete fools of ourselves in front of a movie poster of him when we were in LA last year. He is the only reason to watch High School Musical.Paul Gaustad

I look forward to Sabres hockey every fall, but having a "hockey boyfriend" as my husband calls him, makes it even better. He is the only one on the list that makes Mark mildly nervous. If I were to have a chance at any of these men, it would be Paul. He lives near-by and according to my husband I'm cute enough to get him:) Plus we share a birthday. We must be a match made in heaven.Ryan Reynolds

He's got a great body and he's funny. Need I say more?Orlando Bloom

If you don't like Johnny Depp than Orlando is probably the one who did it for you in the Pirates movies. The hair, the eyes, the accent. It's all good in my book.Eric Dane

Who wouldn't want a hot doctor? His name is McSteamy for a reason.

So what do you think of my list? Any additions I should make? I'm always open to adding on:)

I'm Trying

I had all of these wonderful plans to get myself on some sort of schedule starting this week. I figures that with 2 1/2 hours everyday all by myself, I'd be getting loads of things done. But so far I've been pretty lazy. At least I exercised today, though only for 25 minutes instead of 40. Glee was calling to me... watch me, watch me. I mean, when am I going to catch up on last years DVR'd shows in time to start DVR'ing the upcoming season?

So now all that free time that I was supposed to have seems not quite long enough. I mean once I go on the treadmill for 40 minutes, do some weights, and take a shower and get ready, more than an hour has been eaten up. So then I need to decide, do I clean the bathroom or wash the kitchen floor or maybe just go on Facebook and read my blogs. It's really such a hard decision. :)

So I've given myself permission to be lazy the rest of the week. No need to rush into a schedule just yet. I have the rest of the school year to make my home immaculate, have perfect 5 course meals prepared for dinner every night and whittle away those last 15 pounds. Right now I choose to talk on he phone with my sister for an hour and watch 19 Kids and Counting. Just this week :)

My Baby's All Grown Up

Today was Annabelle's first day of pre-k. There were a few tears shed by me, watching her walk away from me for those two and a half hours. She did so good. I had thought that we might have an issue when she asked if I would be there to take her to the potty at school. Her face had that deer in the headlights look when I told her no. But she just walked right in. It even took a few moments to get her attention to say good bye and blow a kiss.

I thought last week that I would have no problems letting her go. Other friends were whining on Facebook about their nervous stomachs, letting go of their little boys and girls but I was oddly unfazed.

But as I watched her playing in the little kitchen area, I had flash backs of her as a baby. Bald as a little chick well past 18 months. Helping her learn to walk, talk, use utensils, dance. All the little milestones and stats that I religiously jotted into her baby book. Now I get to record her first day of school into that book. Pictures, date, time, teachers names, all there for her to look back on someday when she has little ones of her own. So shoot me if I shed a tear or two. I'm only human, a silly human being with a mother's fragile heart.