My Boy

I've talked many times here of Annabelle's love of Winnie the Pooh.  It's been almost six years and she still loves him above all else.  So because of that, I have a love for Pooh Bear too.  I don't remember having any real connection to any of the characters until Annabelle came around.  There is just something about her face when she's holding her bear, the contentment when she finds him in her sleep.  Well it turns out another family member seems to have a little connection with Pooh too.

Nigel obviously thinks Pooh is pretty comfy since he napped on him for most of the day on Sunday.  My boy is so cute.

Irrational

I know that I have stated in the past that I am a mega, huge Buffalo Sabres fan.  Not necessarily a hockey fan, but a Sabres fan.  There's a difference there.  When you are a fan of a team, there is normally going to be players on that team that you despise, Christian Erhoff, and ones that you love.  Sometimes that love makes no sense.  My go to love on the Buffalo Sabres was Paul Gaustad.  Did you see the past tense there?  He was traded to the Nashville Predators yesterday and I'm just sad about it.  I know that it's irrational to be sad about him being gone.  I've never met him and only once had a close up encounter with him, but I will miss him.

He was not and never will be a super star.  He has the worst hands and skates like he's moving through molasses.  But he is is top 10 in face off wins which is huge in hockey.  He was a big hitter and the go to guy when you wanted an honest answer about team and personal play.  He worked hard every night and was big in the community, working with Camp Good Days, teaching people how to save the planet and planting trees.  Living in Buffalo, you hear the rumors of the local sports guys, Bills and Sabres.  Sometimes you hear the dirt, which ones are down on Chippewa all the time, girl hopping, acting like playas.  But Goose wasn't like that.  You never heard anything bad about him as a person and I liked that.  I like rooting for the underdog.  I always have.  Every favorite player that I've had, has been the guy on the side. 

He is just a guy that people fall in love with.  Everyone loved him for working hard every night, both men and women.  He came back from an injury that should have sidelined him for almost a year, in about 4 months because he worked hard and pushed himself through surgery, rehab, strengthening, etc.  Just for the love of the game.  I loved Goose because of all that and then once I realized how nice he seemed as a person, I realized he also happens to be nice to look at.  So just wrap all that up and I'm sad he's gone.  I hope he wins a Stanley Cup this year and then comes back to us over the summer when he's a UFA.  Again, I realize this won't happen but, fingers crossed.

My one last HONK for the Goose. :(

Kalahari Water Park

We are back!  Our trip to Kalahari is over.  We had such a good time but three whole days in the water is more than I'll ever need again.  Annabelle was a brave girl and was willing to try everything at least once but she hated the bigger waterslides because she didn't like "slobbering around" inside the tubes.  We figured out that it meant the side to side sliding, the out of control feeling you get inside a tube water slide.  Her favorite part was the lazy river and the wave pool, where we spent a majority of our time.  She's already asking when we're going back, but I think it will be awhile.

A view from above.

Posing in her new bathing suit.

Mom and Annabelle in the wave pool.

Now it's dad's turn.

A small fountain in the kiddie area.

Getting ready.

On her way down, eyes closed tight.

She could have played in these for hours.  She loved them at Disney too.

Waiting for dinner with Brian and Kaylin.

The chlorine was very strong.  Annabelle was getting rashes on her skin from it.  We had to prop her up on the bed with no pants on otherwise she was in a lot of pain.

She got to watch a movie, so she was pretty happy.

We had so much fun together.  I'm sure we'll end up going again sometime but hopefully once Annabelle's a little bit more comfortable in and around the water.

Mini Vaca

And we so need it!  We're heading on over to Ohio to go to one of those indoor waterparks, Kalahari.  We had promised Annabelle we would go to one last summer.  I had it all planned out that we would go and then lo and behold, I'm talking to some friends and they were planning on going too.  So then e-mails are sent out and now five other families are all going at the same time we are!  Now Mark and I will be able to go on the zip coaster together because there will be other adults to watch Anabelle for us.  I know it's been less than a year since I've last been on a vacation, but we are in great need to just be together and relax.  I know there will be plenty of time that we will be together with our friends but I also know that we will be the family that most likely separates from the others.  I love being able to spend time with just Mark and Annabelle, all alone without having the day to day stuff to worry about.  I'm sure I'll be posting pictures next week.  Until have fun this week!

A Dream

I'm at school even though I'm an adult and I can't remember which bus I should be on.  I eventually pick one that seems to be going in the direction I want to go but it's crowded, so crowded that I have to stand.  After  quite a bit of time, we head into a forest or campground.  When the door is opened, a raccoon gets on the bus and starts attacking.  Biting and nipping, running over people, hopping on top of seats.  We're all screaming and crying and then... I wake up.

I've had this dream for two nights in a row now.  So I had to look up what it might mean.  I've done this in the past when I've had weird dreams and it usually makes no sense to me.  But this time, it resonated. 

• school bus- venturing on a new journey, self discovery
• raccoon- keeping a secret, anxiety
• forest- searching for a better understanding of yourself

Maybe my dreams are trying to help me understand what my next step should be.  I hope they help soon.

Another Reason to Love

 Mark knew better than to get me chocolate this year.  I've been working hard to eat healthier but if there are treats in the house, I have to eat them until they are gone.  Usually that means I end up with a tummy ache and in a bad mood. 

He will occasionally buy me flowers throughout the year.  Just grocery store flowers but I still love them.  This year though I got two dozen, multi colored roses- delivered!  They are looking even better today now that they have had a drink.

But the part that makes me love him even more is that he came home with one single pink rose for Annabelle.  She is crazy about flowers and I'm sure was more than jealous at my bouquet.  I'm so lucky that my little girl has the most special Valentine, her Daddy.

Valentine's Day

I know so many people out there see Valentine's Day as a Hallmark holiday, and yes it is somewhat, but it's also helpful when you need a boost in a relationship sometimes.  Mark and I have been together for almost 17 years, that's half of my life!  There have been ups and downs, days I want to strangle him and others when I would love to spend the whole day in bed with him.  I know deep down in my bones though, that he is the one for me, my best friend.  I'm so tangled up in him that there is no way we will ever be apart, so Valentine's Day is just a day for us to remember how all that tangled-up-ness started.

Our first Valentine's Day was back in 1996.  It was close to the only day I'd had off from musical practice at school in a month and a half and it was one day before our six month anniversary.  Back then we celebrated every month.  I can remember going to Mark's house and he had made me dinner, one of those pre-cooked chickens from the grocery store, mashed potatoes that his mom helped him with and can of corn.  He set up a card table in the basement and light a ton of candles.  There were balloons and flowers on the table.  We danced to Rainbow Connection and ate dinner together.  It was cheesy and wonderful and perfect to my 18 year old eyes.  No guy I had ever dated had done anything like that for me before.

Now, all these years later, Valentine's Day is different.  We are going to Brennan's for lunch because I'm craving their pretzel bread sandwich (yummo) and Mark requested bacon sandwiches for dinner.  Exciting!  Plus, I have dance class tonight, so romantic right?  But it will be another Valentine's Day under our belt.  And Annabelle is here with us to celebrate, to tell each other how much we love each other.  It may not be very memorable but I wouldn't change it for anything.

I love you Mark!

Making Me Better

Well I've crossed another resolution off my list or almost all of it.  I went to the doctor's today for my physical and I made the appointment for my blood work!  I haven't had a full physical since I was pregnant, so over six years ago.  The one before that was right after I got married almost nine years ago, so I was due.  I've been trying to work on me and knowing if I was healthy was my first big hurdle to jump.

I am not a big fan of my doctor, it feels like he brushes me off, so I saw his PA who I like so much better.  Overall I look to be doing well, nothing to get too upset about, except that I have shrunk a 1/4 of an inch.  Now I'm only 5' 2 1/4" tall, and apparently getting shorter.  I told her about my migraines, my sore joints and the sleeplessness. 

I told her about my anxiety.  That one is huge.  I spent all weekend knowing I needed to tell someone and basically ruined most of the weekend, feeling anxious about having to talk about it.  We talked about my options and we decided to start with taking melatonin to help with sleepless nights but she thinks it's anxiety and possibly postpartum depression causing the sleep problems, not the other way around. 

Part of me is kicking myself for not talking about this before.  I never connected the two things.  I thought my insomnia started because I was a new mom, Mark was so so bad those first few months after Annabelle was born.  I was so stressed out over him and her that I never looked at me.  That I couldn't even see that the way I was feeling sometimes wasn't my fault, I had no control over it. 

I know I'm not diagnosed with anything right now, we're trying other things first, mostly because I'm afraid of this feeling like I'm damaged goods.  I know it's stupid but even just writing this down, my heart is pounding and I'm one step away from bawling my eyes out.  Because I could have been better so much sooner.  Because there is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of my crazy hormones, but I am anyway.  I could have been spending the last almost six years being happier, not looking for the dark cloud that followed me where ever I went.  I hope that I can find the peace to be me soon.

Crayon Valentine's from Pinterest!

I saw so many cute ideas for Valentine's Day on Pinterest but I decided to make crayon hearts.  Annabelle and I worked very hard on them.  It takes a lot of work to peel all of those crayons.  My fingers hurt me for days but in the end, they are too cute.  I hope the kids in her class like them because Mark says that they won't.  I just have to prove him wrong!

Peeling and peeling and peeling.

This was just one batch, we ended up making enough for her Kindergarten class and her ballet class.  We needed to make 39 valentine's so it took a lot of old crayons.

Break up the crayons and put into a silicone mold.

270 degrees for about 20 minutes

Have a Colorful Valentine's Day!
I don't know why the picture is turned but it won't straighten out.  You get the idea though.

Overall, I'm happy with the way they turned out.  Annabelle seems happy too.  Now we need to bundle them all up and send them into school.

A Confession

I have some new eye candy to watch on TV.  I know I'm not the only one out there with this particular crush right now, he's everywhere.  It's Adam Levine from Maroon 5. 

I never paid much attention to him before.  I LOVE his voice but that was as far as I ever got before.  But I decided to watch The Voice this season because it doesn't conflict with anything else for me this year and ooo baby.  There is an amazingly sexy picture of him out there without any clothes on for an ad for testicular cancer but this isn't that kind of blog.  If you need to see it just google it:)  He is my exact type, skinny but muscular and dark- dark hair, eyes and those eye brows.  I have a thing for a great set of eye brows on a man.  And Blake Shelton isn't too bad to look at either.  So right now, I'm just gonna say, I'm lovin' The Voice.  :)

It's My Birthday!

I used to look forward to my birthday pretty much as soon Christmas was over.  Planning parties and thinking about gifts.  I don't really do that now.  I don't think it has anything to do with my age, 34.  I'll tell anyone that asks, I don't care.  It started around the time I had Annabelle.  I just have other priorities other than myself.

I've already gotten my gifts from Mark.  I asked for money from my mom and dad, next week I'll see what I'm getting from my in-laws.  Today I plan on spending a good chunk of the day at the DMV.  Yay!!! Or not, I would have just mailed my driver's license renewal in if I didn't want the enhanced version.  But after that, we're going out for a fish fry at a little hole in the wall bar with my parents.  Then The Chocolate Bar for dessert.  I just might get two desserts because it's my birthday and I'm allowed to do whatever I want!  It's nothing exciting but it's perfect to me.

Stay at home mom

A few weeks ago, Annabelle had a friend over.  Ava's mom had to work so her dad brought her over.  After Ava left, Annabelle asked me why her mom was working.  She was very confused.  Dad's work, mom's stay home and take care of us.  That's what Annabelle said.  It makes the hardships of being a stay at home mom worth it.  I try not to complain when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I try not to feel guilty for being home now that Annabelle's in school all day.  Mark has never once asked me to start helping out , money wise.  My job, pure and simple, is to take care of my family right now.  I know that I'm blessed to be able to do this.  To be able to volunteer and plan parties at school.  To go on field trips and be known by all the kids in Annabelle's class.

 But sometimes the guilt of all my lofty plans haunts me, vacations and house stuff.  Shopping for the stuff I want but don't need.  It all costs money, nothing is free.  They are hiring front desk people at my gym for the morning.  That would ideally work for me but right now I'm being selfish.  It's in the morning that i take my classes.  The idea is rooting itself into my brain right now though.  I don't know what will come of it.  Probably nothing because I know deep down that my job is my family.  I'm trying to be OK with that.

Peace

I wake up to screaming.  Mommy!  Mommy!  I rush to her room, rub her small back.  I had a nightmare.  She tells me her dream, it seems so benign, but it scared her just the same.  I ask if I can get under the covers with her.  I feel the warmth of her little body, her back pressed to my stomach, her head nestled under my chin.  My arms circle her and I feel her body relax back into sleep.  Her breathing deepens, small movements make Pooh Bear jingle softly.  I doze and think about how lucky I am.  I am in love with her.  In love, in a way that is impossible to describe or understand.  I know why I was put here on this earth, why I exist.  To be a mom, her mom.