Making Me Better

Well I've crossed another resolution off my list or almost all of it.  I went to the doctor's today for my physical and I made the appointment for my blood work!  I haven't had a full physical since I was pregnant, so over six years ago.  The one before that was right after I got married almost nine years ago, so I was due.  I've been trying to work on me and knowing if I was healthy was my first big hurdle to jump.

I am not a big fan of my doctor, it feels like he brushes me off, so I saw his PA who I like so much better.  Overall I look to be doing well, nothing to get too upset about, except that I have shrunk a 1/4 of an inch.  Now I'm only 5' 2 1/4" tall, and apparently getting shorter.  I told her about my migraines, my sore joints and the sleeplessness. 

I told her about my anxiety.  That one is huge.  I spent all weekend knowing I needed to tell someone and basically ruined most of the weekend, feeling anxious about having to talk about it.  We talked about my options and we decided to start with taking melatonin to help with sleepless nights but she thinks it's anxiety and possibly postpartum depression causing the sleep problems, not the other way around. 

Part of me is kicking myself for not talking about this before.  I never connected the two things.  I thought my insomnia started because I was a new mom, Mark was so so bad those first few months after Annabelle was born.  I was so stressed out over him and her that I never looked at me.  That I couldn't even see that the way I was feeling sometimes wasn't my fault, I had no control over it. 

I know I'm not diagnosed with anything right now, we're trying other things first, mostly because I'm afraid of this feeling like I'm damaged goods.  I know it's stupid but even just writing this down, my heart is pounding and I'm one step away from bawling my eyes out.  Because I could have been better so much sooner.  Because there is no reason whatsoever to be ashamed of my crazy hormones, but I am anyway.  I could have been spending the last almost six years being happier, not looking for the dark cloud that followed me where ever I went.  I hope that I can find the peace to be me soon.