Complaint

I started this blog as a way to put my own feelings out there.  Sometimes I had an idea, a memory that I wanted to revisit.  Sometimes I was having a bad me day.  I was using this as a sounding board for myself, not really a way to be out there as a presence in the blog-o-shpere.  I don't beg for followers, go looking for them, I didn't tell people about this.  It was a journal-type thing for me.  I wrote about stuff that didn't warrant a conversation when I was with my friends, either being too trivial or too heart wrenching.

My blog has certainly changed.  While I still use it as a way to document my life as it happens around me, I don't share my troubles, my fears, my angry times like I used to.  That feels so restricting to me lately.  I stopped because I slipped, told a friend about blogging something.  She found me and we had such a fight over things I had written.  About a rift that had grown between us.

Lately I feel that rift growing again due to a few things.  Things that I won't or can't mention in case she shows up again.  So I feel limited because writing things out when I was sad or mad or whatever, helped me put it in perspective.  She says I should write a journal but I don't want Mark or Annabelle to be able to find it and read my thoughts, especially when they aren't so good.  She says type out a post or letter and don't ever press send, but I need to be able to go back and feel the things I was feeling.  Maybe that's stupid to relive the bad stuff but it's the way I work. 

So I will stick it inside for right now, but I'm feeling the pinpricks of hurt.  Hopefully they will fade soon.

Oh My!

This week, I made it my personal mission to do nothing.  After all the business leading up to school, I just didn't want to do anything.  I also feel like I deserve a little break before all the hard stuff happens next week.

• Mark has to go out of town for 2 whole weeks!  ARRRGGGH!  He even has to stay the weekend which messes up all of our plans.  He will miss meeting Annabelle's teacher for the first time and we had a super fun party to go to on Saturday which we've now had to decline going to.  :( 
• I'm having to line up a few babysitting days while he's gone so that I can meet the new teacher plus dance begins and I don't want to miss if I don't have to.  These are the times when I wish my parents and in-laws lived in Williamsville too and not Lancaster.  I know a 20 minute drive is no big deal but because it will be later at night I feel bad stealing grandma and grandpa's relaxation time.
• I've decided to try a 3 day detox diet while Mark's away.  He would completely be against it saying I was going too far but what he doesn't know won't hurt him.
• I am promising myself that I will get a major handle on the organizing that I started at the end of summer.  I will get every. single. toy. upstairs and out of our living space.  I am seriously thisclose to being done with that.  But now I need to go through the boxes of stuff that were in the spare room and decided what is going and what is staying.
• So all of that organizing will hopefully mean my house will be absolutely sparkling clean.  Here's hoping!
• And the last thing that we need to figure out is when we are going zip-lining with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend.  It closes soon and I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to go!

OK done venting about my upcoming difficult weeks.  I know we'll be fine but the weekend he will be gone... I think will be the hardest for me to handle.  I think I need to research something fun for Annabelle and I to do together maybe with the grandparents or my sister and her kids. 

Feeling My Way

It's the first week back at school and I'm remembering what it feels like to be alone.  I can do anything that I want to do, watch television or read or listen to music.  Not having to have Annabelle on  my mind at every moment like I do during summer vacation.  Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly cognisant of what she is doing at each moment of her day away from me.  When she has specials, lunch, a little down time to play or go outside while the weather is still warm.  But it's different because even though I think about her throughout the day, she's still not here, not actually present.

I feel like I'm at a loss right now about what I should be doing.  I feel lazy and out of sorts without a real schedule to hold on to.  I'm not really all that sure how much I will be needed in the classroom in first grade.  In Kindergarten, I was a room parent so I came to every single party, event or field trip.  On top of all of that, I volunteered in the room once or twice each month.  It took a lot of my time, but I loved being able to be the go to one in the room.  That is why I am a stay at home mother, to be able to experience every single moment of her school age years with her.

I might try to get a part time job.  Maybe what I need is three to four hours a day to get out of the house for a real reason.  And making some money on the side will always be a bonus.  I won't lie.  The idea of that scares the bejeebus out of me.  All of my feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, just enough are clinging to me hard, hard, hard when I think of it.  I'm going to try to wrap my head around it and then hopefully leap into something that feels right for me for right now.  That's all I can ask for at this moment in time.

First Grade!

And so a new school year begins.  She picked her outfit.  She complained of a nervous tummy.  But she got on the bus without even a glance back at us.  She is growing up too fast.  There is a part of me that wants to grab her and hold on tight.  Tell her to slow down because adulthood comes oh so fast.  I know she won't listen though.  So I watch and try to make memories of every little thing because she's in first grade and getting so big.  I almost cried as the bus pulled away.  I know she'll be fine.  That she'll love meeting her new teacher and seeing who will be in her class.  But what about me...  I hope that she will miss me a little bit because I am missing her.

A Look Into The Future

I have been looking into donating my wedding dress lately.  After we first got married, I thought I would never want to get rid of it.  All those memories were partially wrapped up in that dress.  And what if my future daughter wanted to wear her mother's wedding dress on her big day.  But then I started thinking, would I have wanted to wear my mother's dress?  No.  We were saving this dress, which takes up so much room, only to have to throw it out one day. 

But before I get rid of it, I needed just a few more dress memories.  Someday I will watch my daughter walk down the aisle on her father's arm and I will still be able to see her as a little girl, wearing my dress.



Bits and Pieces

• I was looking at some of my stats yesterday and the top search was Donnie Wahlburg's girlfriend.  If I were his girlfriend that would be the name of the blog.  I wouldn't be hiding the fact:)
• My dad got the best possible news about his knee yesterday.  A loose knee cap.  I guess it will occasionally shift around on him but no need for surgery right now.  Maybe knee replacement down the line but not for a few years.
• I decided to keep track of the books that I read this year.  So far I'm almost done with #40 with two more in my queue.  I'm pretty impressed with that number.  I thought I'd be at around 50 for the year so mid-August and at almost 41.  Awesome!
• I am eagerly awaiting this coming Monday at noon.  Advanced dining reservations open up for the brand spanking new restaurant, Be Our Guest, in Disney World will open up.  We will luckily be in Disney for this and I so, so, so want to go eat there!
• Just over three more months until vacation and I'm crafting up a storm.  I'm making super cute shirts for us to wear at Disney.  I'm going all out because we know we won't go back until Annabelle's older and much of that magic will be gone.
• In a little less than two weeks, my girl will be a first grader!  Where is the time going?!
• She is starting to get nervous about first grade though.  It happened when she started Kindergarten too so I know she'll be fine but it doesn't help her right now.
• I have officially finished all of Annabelle's school shopping.  If I buy her any more clothing her drawers are going to burst.  I tell myself everytime not to go crazy on clothes but when you see the cutest little leggings and pink sweater coat, well I just have no will power at all.
• On Wednesday, it was me and Mark's 17 year dating anniversary.  He may claim it doesn't count but without it, we wouldn't be getting ready to celebrate nine years of wedded bliss, the house, the cat,  the kid.  None of it. 
• We're having a big party at my in-laws house this Saturday to introduce the entire family to Joy, My BIL girlfriend.  I feel sorry for her because the Gmerek side of the family is a little overwhelming.  At least they were to me the first time I met them all.
• Have a great weekend everyone!

My Dad

I love my dad.  He's far from perfect but I know without a doubt that he perfectly loves me.  He tends to be rather accident prone.  He's burned himself by fires, gotten run over by a fork lift, fallen off of roofs and ladders, almost drowned himself in mud while out four wheeling, and nailed himself through the hand to my sister's shed.  I'm constantly hearing about another hurt or fall or twist when I talk to my mom.  This time though he has done something but no one knows what exactly. 

Last week my mom asked me to take my dad to the doctor's office for x-rays.  His knee was swollen, couldn't bend.  He had to call off work all last week because he was in so much pain.  He never does that.  So after 3 sets of x-rays and an MRI... they still don't know what's wrong.  It might be scar tissue or really bad arthritis or a tear.

He started driving this week against every one's orders.  He has an appointment on Thursday with a specialist who will hopefully be able to tell us what's wrong.  Thursday can't come soon enough.  My dad is an accident waiting to happen.  I don't know what I'm going to do with him!