Yesterday was a bad mommy day of epic proportions. Neither Annabelle or myself were in the best of moods and we just exploded! She wouldn't eat, listen, answer my questions, was talking back, and whining. I had(have) a sore back, too little sleep, and was just feeling grouchy. I sent her to time out for talking back, which she whined about the whole time. Then she wouldn't get dressed and we had things to do. I threatened more time outs, taking away privileges, and the ultimate- a spanking.
Now just to set the record straight, I'm not a fan of spanking. I was rarely spanked as a child and I don't want Annabelle to think that lashing out in anger is the way to solve a problem. But I was annoyed by all of the above mentioned things, and I gave her a swat on the bum. It wasn't hard but she screamed like I had stung her with a red-hot poker. And then she said, "Mama, you said we aren't supposed to hit!"
My heart just broke. It still hurts from that one little phrase. I had always promised to be the best mommy I could possibly be and I had failed. And she knows it. I did apologize. I promised to keep my temper better in check. This feeling of defeat, utter failure will help me in the future when I'm overwhelmed. But will she remember my meltdown when she gets older and regret that I'm the mother she got saddled with?