Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Toy Story 3

I have always loved going to the movies. I have fond memories of going to the movies with various family members; my parents, aunts, Grandma. We would buy candy at the drugstore and smuggle it in. We'd also get a huge bucket of popcorn and a pop. It was fantastic. I couldn't wait for Annabelle to be old enough to go to the movie theater and make some memories with her. So when I heard that they were making another Toy Story, I was ready to take her. My husband and I got her a special kid's platter at the show. It came with popcorn, fruit snacks and a drink. We let her pick whatever she wanted to drink too. She's rarely allowed to have pop so that's what she picked.

At this point, I was just hoping the movie would be decent. We all know how sequels can be. I loved #1 but #2 was just OK. Happily, #3 was fantastic! We laughed at Mr. Potato-Head as a taco and I cried when Andy was giving away all of his beloved toys. It felt like this was going to happen at any moment for Annabelle. She has a Pooh Bear that she got when she was born from her Uncle Keith that has been everywhere. She used to need him with her everywhere she went. In the car, at the store, on all of our various vacations, in bed. But I see that she doesn't need him like she used to. She still needs him to sleep but there are many days that he stays upstairs in her bedroom until nighttime falls. I can't imagine ever letting Pooh go, even when she's too old for him. We will always have him because he was part of her. It would be like getting rid of her arm or leg.

So while I loved the movie, it made me sad at the same time. It made me look into the not so far off future and see that some day my little girl will be all grown up. Some day sooner than I would hope for, she will come up with her own "plan" and dream about someday. All of this time is going by way to fast for me most days. So make the best of it and squirrel away the memories of her. Someday I will look back at this movie and remember her delighted giggle at seeing Buzz and Woody up on the big screen. The rapt attention that she paid to all the new characters that she talked about for days afterward. All of those little details that she picked out while watching and repeating catch phrases from the movie. And someday, when she's older, she'll remember our trips to the movie and reminice about how much fun she had being with Daddy and Mama.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Really Do Love Them But...

I just spent a long weekend in Albany with my whole family for my cousin's high school graduation. Let that sink in. Me, Annabelle, my sister and her 2 kiddos, 2 aunts, my mom, gram, and a cousin. All that plus some of my aunt's friends as well as her fiance and his 2 kids. It all adds up to a lot of fun but a lot of stress.

We made the 5 hour trip from Buffalo to Albany on Friday, with very little issues. The kids didn't sleep as much as we would have hoped but they were good, no fighting. Then we just lounged around my Aunt Michele's house, talking and catching up. I hadn't been to Albany in well over 10 years so I had to refamiliarize myself with her house. It was good and relaxing; laughing, eating pizza (which was not as good as Buffalo pizza) and then getting everyone ready for the ceremony. Once again the kids were very good. They played games, colored, and had snacks with no meltdowns at the graduation. Even though it had already been a very long day we stopped for some ice cream and then passed out for 12 hours:)

Saturday was again a very nice day. We packed up the cars and headed to Hoffman's Playland, a kiddy amusement park. We went on a bunch of rides and ate some lunch. I was very brave to take all three kids on the Tilt-O-Whirl right after we had eaten, but all was good:) The we headed to my aunt's fiance's house for Emma's graduation party. We had some good food, lots of laughs, dancing, a small bonfire, roasted marshmallows and just really enjoyed ourselves.

Then Sunday hit. Hard. My sister got a call from her husband saying that his cousin's baby had died. We all knew it was coming, he was diagnosed with a horrible disease and they were just waiting for the inevitable. We made the decision to leave even though we had originally planned on staying until Monday. So we were already feeling blue over the news when my Grandma (whom I love) starts. She has anxiety. She hates Albany for reasons that aren't always too clear so she wasn't being her best self. She was crying, saying she wished she was dead, my cousin wasn't being very nice to her, my mom was yelling. Basically the sh!t hit the fan. Everyone's crying or mad or pouting. It was a bad end to a fun weekend.

I love them all. I really do. I could never turn my back on them even when they drive me nuts. That's just not the type of person that I am but I wish we could keep our disfunctionality out of the picture sometimes. Especially when we were there to be together out of happiness and love. It puts a little crack into my heart when I think about it:(

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I Want to Love Me.

I've lost some weight and that feels great. It is an accomplishment. But lately when I look in the mirror all I see is the bad. All I see is the saggy boobs, chunky thighs and flabby tummy. I look at myself and see FATFATFATFAT. But I'm not, I know I'm not. I'm pretty "normal" sized, whatever that is supposed to mean. I just bought myself some size 10 jeans, down from size 14. They are a little tight but 1 or 2 more pounds and they would fit better.

When my husband sees me, he loves my body. He wants to touch it, thinks it's sexy and I just think HOW? Doesn't he see the cellulite, the flab, the insecurity? We are surrounded my images of what women's bodies are supposed to look like. I don't know of any real women that look like though. Plastic surgery runs rampant. It makes me want it. If I work hard to get to my goal weight (130) but am still unhappy, do I get the tummy tuck and the smidge of lipo on my inner thighs? Will I find something else to complain about?

I used to say the word fat a lot. Do I look fat in this, I feel fat etc. We had to ban the word from our house. I didn't know how much I focused on fat until my 2 year old daughter said she was fat. I did that to her and it still hurts. I don't want my negativity towards myself to be heaped onto her.

So I try to eat right and exercise at least 3-4 days a week. I want my daughter to know that she is perfect just the way she is. That she doesn't have to be a size 2 to feel beautiful because I have seen size 20 women look great. I k now it's all in the attitude. So when I see the fat I've been trying to look at the positive. That's really hard many days. I'm trying to love me, I want to love me. For Annabelle's sake... and my own.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My Support System

I have a group of friends that is simply known as the GNI girls. There are eight of us all together and they are my best friends. We are all very alike and very different all at the same time. What I have in common with one will be something completely different in another and yet we are a perfect group all together.

As a group we have evolved. It all started almost 7 years ago while I was waiting patiently to get married:) I had already had my stagette and knew that my soon-to-be-husband's stag was coming up soon. So my bridesmaids and a couple of other friends decided we needed to hang out on that night. We were all going to be alone otherwise. One of my bridesmaid's had just had a baby and wasn't quite ready for a night out on the town. Everyone came over to my house, we had a Mexican feast, played games and talked- all night long. That was the first unofficial GNI, Girl's Night In. We had so much fun that we decided to get together every month. Each month we go to a different girl's house, come up with a food theme, and just talk about everything. We have laughed, cried and screamed togther on these nights.

After some time we realized that getting eight busy woman together every single month is hard. We are all married with kids and jobs and obligations, so we decided not to meet in July and August as well as December. During the months of summer there are always last minute BBQ's to go to and play dates with the kids so that we still get to see each other.

So tonight is our last GNI until September. It's a dip theme, all food's must be able to be dipped. I know that we are having cheesecake dip, bruscetta dip, taco dip and chicken wing dip. Not everyone has confirmed what they are bringing but whta I know for sure is that I will have a fantastic time with my friends. I am thankful for them every single day of my life and don't know what I would do without them(even when they are driving me crazy).

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I'm supposed to be cleaning the house right now. Annabelle is at Grandma's house, Mark is at work and I'm supposed to be cleaning. I have cleaned, don't get me wrong. I mowed the lawn and cleaned out the buffet in the dining room. There was A LOT of stuff in there, most of which didn't belong. Here is the problem, we get lazy. Things don't get put away quickly enough, it piles up and then I'll realize that someones planning on stopping by. We then run around like chickens with our heads cut off "cleaning" up. Papers, craft supplies, toys, change, receipts, all get shoved into drawers, pushed into closets, hidden. Then we can't find things and wonder why! But now that the buffet is cleared out and the appropriate items returned to it, what am I supposed to do with all the other stuff! If I followed the old formula, it would be put someplace else but because of this new idea of cleaning that we are trying to do, everything is on the dining room table. The dining room looks messier than when I started. Ugh! I don't know what to start next. So I'm supposed to be cleaning but I'm writing this, checking facebook, watching So You Think You Can Dance which I DVR'd last night and not really getting very much done. Oops, I'd better stop being so lazy:)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


In a little under 4 months we are going on vacation:) I love vacations, big ones, little ones. It doesn't matter. I just like being away and exploring new things. Except that we aren't going someplace new, though it is exciting. Disney World, we went last year in March. Annabelle was just a little under three years old and it took a lot of convincing of my hubby, Mark. But I have a Disney obsessed friend and she found me an amazing deal that we just couldn't resist.

I knew we would go again, we had a such a good time but i thought that we would do something else before we went back. I was thinking San Diego or Puerto Rico; new, exciting. And once again we got a great deal and it was Mark, the one who needed all of the convincing, who said we should go back so soon after the last trip to Disney. But I'm still excited.

I hope Annabelle still is mesmerized by Mickey and Pooh Bear and now she knows the Princesses. I'm pretty sure I'll get alittle bit teary when I see the castle for the first time again. We will be doing Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party fo rthe first time which is exciting! I'm making us all cotumes to wear. Annabelle will be Tinker Bell, I will be Wendy and Mark will be Peter Pan!

I have all of these little things thatI want to see on Annabelle's face when she's in Disney world again. I think that I won't be disappointed:)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Do I Really Want to Do This?

I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter, Annabelle. She is the best thing I have ever done. She's a very good girl, most of the time:) I had wanted another baby so bad over the last few years. Part of my "plan" was to get pregnant with baby #2 when baby #1 was about 2. My husband wouldn't even discuss it. So I waited a year and he still didn't want to talk about it. Then the urge started to fade away. I had momentary pangs but nothing too hard to put aside.

Then friends of ours had their second baby in February(Super Bowl Sunday actually), so we went to go and visit the newest addition to our friend family. I held her for the whole 2 hours we were there and I never got that "I need one" feeling like I had with every other baby since Annabelle. I figured that this was me knowing that I was done with one. I was at peace with that. I was surprised but good. It felt like I was ready to settle down into the life that I had.

But all of a sudden, I'm getting those maternal urges again. I never wanted an only child. I don't want her spoiled and self-centered. I don't want her to be alone when we(her parents) die. I think that you need someone that really knows you, like a sibling, when that happens. I don't want people to constantly ask us when another one is coming or ask Annabelle. I don't want her to be mad that we made her the center of our world and didn't at least give her a chance of a playmate and confidante.

But there are also those selfish reasons to just stop. We can travel with her, she likes planes and gets excited to eat at new places. Our house has only 3 bedrooms, where do we put the computer? My hubby has anxiety and when Annabelle was born, he spiraled. Will I be able to handle a Kindergartener and newborn minus one husband if it goes bad again? Annabelle is potty trained, walks, talks, tells us what she needs/wants. Do I really want to start over with the midnight feedings, colic, crying, etc.? I was looking forward to a tummy tuck sometime in the near future and maybe going back to work. But these feelings are there. I know that if we are done, I will always question if it was the right decision.

So, do I ask my husband for one last go for me? When Annabelle is good, I'm all for it but right now she's cranky and miserable. It's not so fun. Do I really want to do this?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Will this diet ever end?

I have been doing Weight Watchers on my own since the middle of February. And now that it's unofficially summer, I've hit a road block. I had hoped to lose 30 pounds and I've lost 17 so far but I've been sitting there for almost 3 weeks now. Most people I know lose weight over the summer but I'm just the opposite. There are ice cream runs, hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill and parties and play dates. All of these things interfere with my diet/work out routine! It's really easy to forgo that 40 minutes on the treadmill at 8 am when I've stayed up later than normal and I have fun plans that day. Hopefully I'll stay on track this time around.

My husband is so supportive, telling me how great I'm doing. I also have some great friends, one especially that will tell me everytime she sees a difference or just asks how I'm doing, being my ultimate cheerleader. But damn it can be hard.

The Plan

When i was about 12 or so, I came up with "The Plan". You know- high school, college, find the perfect guy, graduate, get engaged, married, 2 babies, all within very specific ages/time frames. I had it all worked out, wedding was planned in my mind and then life happened. Don't get me wrong, I have all of the big things that I wanted, a loving husband, sweet 4 year old daughter and a great group of friends, but they often didn't happen when I expected them to. It has been 20 years since I first came up with my original plan and now that I'm a "grown up" my plan is still evolving. My life is very different than I had thought it would be. I guess I am planning on using this blog as a sounding board for myself and maybe some others who happen along. Hopefully you will agree or disagree or just give ourselves something to think about. My life is happier and harder and all mine. I wouldn't change it for anything.