Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Do I Really Want to Do This?

I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter, Annabelle. She is the best thing I have ever done. She's a very good girl, most of the time:) I had wanted another baby so bad over the last few years. Part of my "plan" was to get pregnant with baby #2 when baby #1 was about 2. My husband wouldn't even discuss it. So I waited a year and he still didn't want to talk about it. Then the urge started to fade away. I had momentary pangs but nothing too hard to put aside.

Then friends of ours had their second baby in February(Super Bowl Sunday actually), so we went to go and visit the newest addition to our friend family. I held her for the whole 2 hours we were there and I never got that "I need one" feeling like I had with every other baby since Annabelle. I figured that this was me knowing that I was done with one. I was at peace with that. I was surprised but good. It felt like I was ready to settle down into the life that I had.

But all of a sudden, I'm getting those maternal urges again. I never wanted an only child. I don't want her spoiled and self-centered. I don't want her to be alone when we(her parents) die. I think that you need someone that really knows you, like a sibling, when that happens. I don't want people to constantly ask us when another one is coming or ask Annabelle. I don't want her to be mad that we made her the center of our world and didn't at least give her a chance of a playmate and confidante.

But there are also those selfish reasons to just stop. We can travel with her, she likes planes and gets excited to eat at new places. Our house has only 3 bedrooms, where do we put the computer? My hubby has anxiety and when Annabelle was born, he spiraled. Will I be able to handle a Kindergartener and newborn minus one husband if it goes bad again? Annabelle is potty trained, walks, talks, tells us what she needs/wants. Do I really want to start over with the midnight feedings, colic, crying, etc.? I was looking forward to a tummy tuck sometime in the near future and maybe going back to work. But these feelings are there. I know that if we are done, I will always question if it was the right decision.

So, do I ask my husband for one last go for me? When Annabelle is good, I'm all for it but right now she's cranky and miserable. It's not so fun. Do I really want to do this?

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