Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I Want to Love Me.

I've lost some weight and that feels great. It is an accomplishment. But lately when I look in the mirror all I see is the bad. All I see is the saggy boobs, chunky thighs and flabby tummy. I look at myself and see FATFATFATFAT. But I'm not, I know I'm not. I'm pretty "normal" sized, whatever that is supposed to mean. I just bought myself some size 10 jeans, down from size 14. They are a little tight but 1 or 2 more pounds and they would fit better.

When my husband sees me, he loves my body. He wants to touch it, thinks it's sexy and I just think HOW? Doesn't he see the cellulite, the flab, the insecurity? We are surrounded my images of what women's bodies are supposed to look like. I don't know of any real women that look like though. Plastic surgery runs rampant. It makes me want it. If I work hard to get to my goal weight (130) but am still unhappy, do I get the tummy tuck and the smidge of lipo on my inner thighs? Will I find something else to complain about?

I used to say the word fat a lot. Do I look fat in this, I feel fat etc. We had to ban the word from our house. I didn't know how much I focused on fat until my 2 year old daughter said she was fat. I did that to her and it still hurts. I don't want my negativity towards myself to be heaped onto her.

So I try to eat right and exercise at least 3-4 days a week. I want my daughter to know that she is perfect just the way she is. That she doesn't have to be a size 2 to feel beautiful because I have seen size 20 women look great. I k now it's all in the attitude. So when I see the fat I've been trying to look at the positive. That's really hard many days. I'm trying to love me, I want to love me. For Annabelle's sake... and my own.

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