I've been thinking about something for almost a week now. I wasn't sure how I felt. Like REALLY felt. I have a friend, Stephanie, who I would have considered my best friend. We had so much in common. We laugh at the same jokes, like the same music and clothes and have similar perspectives on parenting. Last year we did so much together. We went to 5, count them 5, New Kids on the Block concerts. Now I know I'm supposed to be embarrassed by that but I'm not. It was so much fun reliving my 12 year old fantasies as a woman in my 30's but it was even better because she was just as silly about it as I was. We went to see DWTS live twice, we went to LA when she won a radio contest, saw each other every week at dance class. We were together a lot.
This is the part that is a little bit weird for me but I'm going to put it out there anyways. Steph had a dream to become an author. She used to ask me for my opinion on her writing. I wouldn't get too much into it, just if I liked where she was going with it, if I saw anything major in terms of plot. It's not like I'm a professional editor or anything.
She worked on her craft and got better, joined a writer's group in the area and she didn't need me so much anymore. And while I was a bit bummed, I knew that her writer friend's had a better understanding of what she needed to do in order to complete her dream. And she did. She has published a chick lit novel. When she told me about the contract, I was so happy for her. She hoped for it be a big breakout hit and I did too. I plugged her on facebook, told people to be prepared for my wonderful friend's book- Coming Soon!
But then I started feeling like she was getting too pleased with herself. It was all she could talk about and I will admit that I felt that green-eyed monster sitting on my shoulder. She was making all of these plans for when she made it big. Got her first check, writer's conferences, etc. I felt like she wasn't being the Stephanie that I have known for the past 10 years. She had always been a little shy, always questioning if she was doing right, being good enough. I could totally understand that because I myself have always been the good girl. I started feeling mildly uncomfortable around her but I really thought it was the jealousy talking.
The last weekend, Mark and I had a wedding to go to. His cousin Kim was marrying a very nice man named Joe and i was looking forward to talking to some of Mark's cousins. We don't see them often but I always have the best conversations with them, especially Dawn. So there we are, talking away, all through dinner and drinks. About our kids things that we found funny reading on each others pages on FB. And then Dawn lowers the boom on me.
"You know your friend Steph? I feel like she's being pretty mean to you lately. She's not being very positive towards you and I feel like she's trying to one up you every time you post something. I've felt this for almost a year but I know she's your close friend and I didn't think it was any of my business to yell at someone that I don't even know on FB."
I wasn't sure what to think at first. I had felt that she wasn't being her usual positive self towards me but I thought it was the jealousy thing. Now someone else, virtual stranger to Steph, is feeling the same thing. I'm just so unsure of myself. I've been beating myself up for the past year or more, feeling like it was my fault we starting to grow apart. It wasn't progressing in leaps and bounds but I felt that separation. I feel like maybe I'm not so wrong as I did before.
So I've been sitting with these feelings for 6 whole days. I haven't talked to anyone about it. Not Dawn again, or Mark, or Stephanie and I don't know what to do or feel. I don't like confrontation but I don't want people to assume that they can be mean or negative or whatever and I'll just let them do it, just walk all over me. So I sit here with my feeling hurt and stew and complain here now. But it feels better to have it off of my chest.