It's the first week back at school and I'm remembering what it feels like to be alone. I can do anything that I want to do, watch television or read or listen to music. Not having to have Annabelle on my mind at every moment like I do during summer vacation. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly cognisant of what she is doing at each moment of her day away from me. When she has specials, lunch, a little down time to play or go outside while the weather is still warm. But it's different because even though I think about her throughout the day, she's still not here, not actually present.
I feel like I'm at a loss right now about what I should be doing. I feel lazy and out of sorts without a real schedule to hold on to. I'm not really all that sure how much I will be needed in the classroom in first grade. In Kindergarten, I was a room parent so I came to every single party, event or field trip. On top of all of that, I volunteered in the room once or twice each month. It took a lot of my time, but I loved being able to be the go to one in the room. That is why I am a stay at home mother, to be able to experience every single moment of her school age years with her.
I might try to get a part time job. Maybe what I need is three to four hours a day to get out of the house for a real reason. And making some money on the side will always be a bonus. I won't lie. The idea of that scares the bejeebus out of me. All of my feelings of not being good enough, smart enough, just enough are clinging to me hard, hard, hard when I think of it. I'm going to try to wrap my head around it and then hopefully leap into something that feels right for me for right now. That's all I can ask for at this moment in time.