So I'm making chili, a big double batch. The house smells so good and yummy and I can't wait for dinner. I'm ready for Christmas now. The big toy books have started arriving; Target, Toys R Us, WalMart. I'm ready for Santa and decorations and people being nice to each other and laying underneath the Christmas tree in the dark with the lights sparkling on the tree and smelling that pine-y scent. I'm ready for it all.
Except I had a fight with a friend that may or may not be better and those dark thoughts are crowding my brain. The ones where I die, the one where no one misses me, the one where I make it look like an accident. I know I won't do it, even though there are days when the thoughts are strong. But I know I can't leave my little girl without a mother. Even if that mother is just me.
So I will push those feelings aside again like I always do and I'll go Christmas shopping. I'll bake cookies and sing carols and put a smile on my face and think happy thoughts until they are really there. Not just my facade.