Wednesday, February 23, 2011
It's been awhile, but really who wants to listen to me complain. I don't even want to listen to me right now. I'm feeling a disconnect, with pretty much everything. This happens to me on a regular basis, where I feel like I've been set adrift in a giant ocean. Nothing can be seen in any direction. No life boats or rocks or helicopters hovering. No one and nothing trying to help or find me. I just have to swim, but I'm tired and going under. Do other people feel this? I've never told anyone any of this stuff. I know there are times that I have hinted to Mark or my sister, maybe a friend but I never say the words, I'm depressed. I can always pull myself out of the deep end and smile again. I know I'll get there but God my arms are tired of treading water. The weight I feel on me pulls me under and I just need one little beacon of light to strive towards. But all I feel is condescension and disdain, especially from my friends right now. On the outside looking in. Being judged for ideas and decisions I make. Being doubted. I will stop my ramble now because I know that I will look back at this down the road and think that I'm an idiot. I just know that I feel better putting it out there for myself.