A friend of mine from high school told me about a book that she had recently read called The Duff. She was going on and on about it, about how well it was written and how it made her think of herself both now and back in high school. She always gives me lots of ideas for new material to read. We both like to read very different things, I don't stay in the same genre, and she's like that too. I was/am in a reading mood right now so I got the book and read it too. It is a wonderful book. It's meant to be for teenagers but it still resonated with me, 15 years out of high school. It's basically about 3 girls, best friends and one is the Duff. The Designated Ugly Fat Friend.
It got me thinking about how I felt about myself. I've never been a skinny girl, not fat either just a regular sized person. But many of my friends were smaller than me and still are. Was I just around to make them look better? The book is very good and it's supposed to have the opposite effect of what is happening to me, I think. It points out that every girl, no matter their size, thinks that they are the DUFF. But when you really were/are, it just brings your/my insecurities to the forefront.
I can remember boys falling over themselves to be around some of my friends in high school. There are girls that I'm friends with now that I know will always get the attention because they are skinny or have boobs or whatever that thing is that boys can't get enough of. I don't have that thing, whatever it is. I've always been the "cute" girl. The one the boys talked to about their girlfriends, even though I pined to be their #1 girl. I hear occasionally from guy friends from high school, "I always thought you were cute in high school but you were just you, you know?" Yes, I know, cute but not cute enough or sexy enough or intriguing enough to actually ask out. (I know I sound bitter and maybe I am. I'm not asking for a million ex's but maybe a few more than what I have would be nice.)
I get to go out this weekend with my GNI girls, except January is GNO. We plan on going out together (some of us) after dinner. We just don't want to night to end, you know? But will that feeling of not being good enough linger in the back of my mind? Will I be the duff? God I hope not. There are so many days when I wish I could turn my brain off and stop thinking, over analyzing. Today is another one of those days.