Tuesday, January 4, 2011


There are people in this world that are just supposed to love and support you no matter what. I strongly believe that. Those people are your parents, siblings, spouses, and kids. It doesn't matter is you actually agree with the things that they do or say. If they sometimes embarrass you or make really wrong decisions, you still stand in their corner. So when one of those people doesn't do that, it hurts.

My sister has hurt me beyond words. She has cut me so deep that I don't want her near me right now. I don't even know what the hell happened to get us to this place. It started as a play date last week. We were going to go to the movies with the kids and my mom. And now we are hating each other. She said hateful things to me on FB. Right there for everyone else to read. Accused me of being a false sister, a fake, being embarrassed by her, and shady. All of that crushed my soul just a little bit.

I'm not perfect, far from it. I do put up that thin veneer, a smile on my face- even when it's uncomfortable, to make people happy. I hate rocking the boat. I hate fighting and crying and screaming and being all emotional. Because I am, emotional. I tend to cry over stupid little things; commercials and TV shows, perceived wrongs, imagining myself in a scary, sad, horrible situations, headaches. Plus all of the good stuff too; knowing how lucky I am to have the family I have, my husband and daughter, my friends, a support group who hopefully doesn't judge me too harshly. So yes, if I'm upset or hurt, I smile. Because crying and yelling only hurts other people too. Plus it rarely makes me feel any better. There is no reason to tell someone that they are embarrassing you or themselves or doing something wrong only to cause a fight. They usually already know what they are doing.

So my sister has dumped all of her insecurities on me. Making them all my fault without explaining what happened. And then blaming me for not knowing what is happening. Do you see any logic in that? Do you see that feels like it's being done with malicious intent? She doesn't though. I wrote her a private message on FB. I explained why I was hurt and confused. I asked her to explain what she was feeling. The response I got was that she wasn't reading my letter, that I was jealous of the help she gets from our parents and that she was done with me. She complains that I don't tell anyone how I feel and than when I do I get shit on again. I can't do anything right for her and I never could. I seriously don't know what she wants from me.

I won't lie. I got really mad after she replied to my message. I said things that were obviously known but NEVER uttered out loud to her. I regret that part. I regret hanging up on her when my mom tried to patch things up between us. I know this hurts my mom and dad. But she just started with me. Screaming at me through the phone about my lack of knowledge in her situation and that I'm fake and awful and mean. I hung up. I screamed back for her to leave me alone. That I didn't want to talk to her and hung up. I hate being lowered to that place where I'm feeling out of control.

I feel like I've done the right thing. Mark has seen all the messages and told me I'm not being too mean or spiteful. That this had been coming for a long time... but how do you go from loving someone to hating them in the matter of a few days? How do you make your heart start beating it's normal rhythm again when there is an aching piece throwing you off course?

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